Monday, November 8, 2010

Moving on but not forgetting


As most of you know my Father passed away last Monday. A year ago my Dad found out he had cancer and went through months of pain but finally beat the cancer. Or so we thought. 3 weeks ago my Dad showed similar signs of cancer which was confirmed a week or two later. But this time it was inoperable. It was an emotional week for my sister and a tough week for me as well. But we held it together so we could be there for my Mom and Dad. But I was scared. I had a dark pit in my stomach that I was trying to ignore. Saturday my Mom took Dad into the hospital because he wasn't eating and just didn't look good.

Saturday I took my daughter to her soccer game and my Sister called to inform me that Dad had a blood infection and the doctors were trying to give him medication to beat it. So I tried to watch my Daughter and support her while she played her game. That night we took the kids trick or treating and I tried to ignore the fact that my Dad was very ill. Sorta pretend it wasn't happening. Trying to trick your brain isn't that easy to do but I put on a pretty face. That night I went to bed with a stomach ache and rolled around for hours trying to go to sleep. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning worried about my Mom. What's to happen down the road? How will mom pay her bills? Dozens of things rolled around in my head and I never fell asleep.

7:30 rolled around and my morning was to start. Woke the kids, fed the kids and off to school the older girls went. I wasn't in the mood to sit around at my house alone (once again ignoring the situation) so I decided to get some groceries when I dropped off my twins at afternoon Kindergarten. I basically walked around like a zombie looking for things I needed at home. A 15 minute trip was taking me an hour. I put the groceries in the truck and started to head off to another store. That is when I received the call.

I couldn't understand anything my sister was saying. Only words I remember her saying were blood infection, 2 minutes and any minutes. She was crying uncontrollable and the only thing I could do was tell her to calm down and I was on my way. Two hours flashed by and somehow I managed to get up to the hospital. My heart pounded faster than ever and I felt like throwing up. I ran into the hospital and somehow found the floor I needed and stepped out of the elevator.  Time was standing still as I slowly walked down the hall. I couldn't hear anything and was looking for my Dad's room. I saw too much. I saw elderly men, a small child with dozens of tubes and cords, a beautiful elderly man eating his dinner, and then I saw Dad. This is when I fell apart. My knee's were weak, my heart ached and reality finally hit me.

For the next hour or so I stayed by my Dad who was unconscious. I laid by him stroking his hair with my face buried into his pillow. I listened to him breathe, watched his chest go up and down, and just looked at him. Almost like I wanted to imprint his face into my brain so I would never forget him. His breathing was a little scratchy but  slowly was quiet. I hugged my Mom and Sister often. And after a while I stepped out of the room and into a sitting area to look out the window. The hospital is up high on a mountain and you can see all of Portland Oregon. It was a really foggy night but I could see all the highways, car headlights, and bridges very clear. My best friend Dulcimer called me and kept my mind off of reality. It was a nice break. Once again reality came knocking and my Aunt told me to come to the room. So I hung up and ran into Dad's room to find all the family standing around Dad quiet. No one was saying anything and I asked what happened twice before anyone spoke. Dad had passed. I completely fell apart and my Aunt held me. All those movies I saw of people crying uncontrollable, women sobbing so loud, and literally falling over. That was me. I personally think Dad knew I was there and didn't want me to be in the room when he passed. Thank you Dad.

Since last Monday I have been to my Moms house everyday. Cleaning up around my Dad's table which he kept everything of his on. Opened the windows to let the sunshine in which my Mom loved but my Dad hated.    Removed all his medication, his dozens of random batteries he wouldn't throw away because they had not died completely, his smokes which my mother hated, and all his blankets and pillows off the couch which he slept on because it was comfortable. For some reason it was easier to breathe and the sunshine felt really good.

Why did I share with you all this personal information? I guess its a way for me to heal. Writing is my way of getting things off my chest and clear my mind. My blog is my life. The good, the bad and the ugly its going to be here to share with all of you.

Oreo's. He loved sports of any kind and watched them always. His love for records and music is something we shared. I now have his records and have been listening to them at home.  Every time I eat pork chops I will think of him.  Every time I hear the TV loud with sports on, I will think of him.  I will think of him always and forever.

Dad thank you for loving my Mom. Thank you for being the Dad I never had. Thank you for loving us like we were your own.  Thank you for sharing the last 15 years of your life with us. Thank you for loving me. I will never forget. I love you.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a nurse that worked with dying patients I know for a fact that the patients often wait till their loved one leaves the room for whatever reason before dying. You are exp[eriencing a very special time in your life, be gentle with yourself and hugs to you and yours.

Amber said...

I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you and your family.

Surviving and thriving on pennies said...

Thank you everyone. I feel very comforted and loved from all of you.

Lisa Sharp said...

My heart goes out to you! While I know it's not the same I did watch my best friend's mom die of breast cancer, it was hard to watch the family go through that but knowing she is free of pain gives me some peace. I hope you find peace soon as well!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry! I lost my dad on Sept 16th this year suddenly and we had no time to tell him bye, no time to adjust nothing. it's so shocking no matter the circumstances. I know your pain. When the surgeon walked in and told us they couldn't save him, it was so surreal like I was outside of my body and could see us all standing there shocked and me sobbing so loud. I could hear someone crying but it wasn't as if it was me and when the fog cleared I realized I was the one screaming. So yeah I know your pain all to well...
Kim in WV
by the way I love your blog and keep writing about the good the bad and the ugly. SO many bloggers want to sugar coat everything and pretend life is great, and they're perfect and here this is how you can be perfect too! So thanks for not being like that!