Friday, October 15, 2010

Dad update

I just wanted to update you on what's been going on in my life lately.  Last year my dad found out he had pancreas cancer. He started turning yellow so he went to the doctor and they found the cancer while they were checking him out.  It was a very troubling time for us but we made it through. He had surgery and went through chemo. He started eating more and finally started to get better. Or so we thought.

Two weeks ago he started turning yellow again. Mom took him in again and they confirmed he had cancer again but this time in his liver.  But this time he wouldn't be so lucky. They will do surgery to put a stint in but they cannot remove the cancer.  He will undergo chemo once again but I'm worried because he is pretty skinny already.  I have not been taking very well this time.

Cancer seems bad but what makes this worst is the fact that he isn't my real DNA father. You see my DNA father was an alcoholic and my mother gave him a choice of us or his alcohol. He chose the alcohol.  My mother raised my sister and I all by herself.  My real DNA dad would come and go every few years just to make a point that he was my dad. He would come to visit, stir stuff up  and then he would leave so he wouldn't have to clean the mess up. He did this until last year.  he would call, cry on the phone, give me guilt trips for not letting my children see him, make me feel bad for not talking to him, and finally the last straw was him telling my brother to  (insert word starting with F ending with K) off and saying he could care less if he ever saw me again.  Thanks DNA dad, love you too.

When I was in high school my mom met Jon. They worked together and really made a great match. He took me in like his own and it was almost like he had always been there. Thinking about it now it must not of been fun with my real dad came to stir things up and he would have to clean up after him. Sorry dad. When I say dad I am referring to Jon.  Last year I cut all ties with my DNA father because mentally I just couldn't take it anymore.  

So all was well and I was finally emotionally good. And now this. I don't know what to do. Don't know what to say.  I am lost for words. There is nothing they can do to get this cancer out of him.  My dad is being taken away from me. The only dad Ive ever had who cared about me, hugged me, loved me, and was there for my physically, mentally and emotionally. And there is nothing I can do about it. I'm starting to question life itself. Question what could we have done differently. But again there is nothing I can do. 

I needed a few days to accept (well not I haven't fully accepted it still) and take everything in. At first I didn't want to write about it. Didn't want to air out my laundry to the whole world. But then I remembered. I started my blog as a outlet. To write about my passions good or bad. So I hope you all stick with me for a while. It's a really tough time for me but I promise to keep doing what I love and writing. Maybe you all have gone through this or are going through this. This is gonna be a long hard road for me and its nice to know I have friends who will listen and be there. 

Oh and about my next race in 2 weeks. yeah I suck still.  Not sure I will do the half marathon but at least I will do the 6.5 mile one. I dunno. 


Theresa Turner said...

Be kind and patient with yourself and family. Loss and potential loss is very difficult. All you can do is make sure you are clear with him of your feelings so he knows how much you care. I hope you find some peace.

Suze said...

This is just so difficult for you all. You are allowed to feel a wide range of emotions. It is normal and natural. As Theresa says communicate with your dad (dna or not) he has been your father. Thank him and share some memories too. Nothing is more important than to be with your parents and your family right now.

Prayers for you all.

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you.